Are you bloated?

Does your belly hurt?  Do you feel like you need to use the potty, but cannot?  Many people are faced with this feeling on a daily basis.

Do you feel like you are going to explode if you do not, ummm…. release yourself? 

I have the solution for you.

My solution:  Go to a mexican restaurant and eat!  Eat their queso, chips, and salsa.  Then, order the usual mexican feasts.  I promise you!  It will release your belly problems.  Sometimes I have to “potty” before I even leave the restaurant.  I make no plans to go anywhere after eating mexican food because I have to be on my own throne, not someone else’s throne.  I run my errands before I go there.  We all know it is true!  If you need a good colon cleansing, eating mexican is the way to do it.

The Solutionist

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Dumb bank robber leaves ID at bank

A would-be bank robber came away empty-handed but left behind something useful for police: her photo identification. The woman was arrested less than an hour later on a charge of attempted armed robbery, Police Commissioner William Dwyer said.

The woman filled out an account application Thursday morning, then pulled a handgun and demanded cash, Dwyer said. She panicked and fled without getting any money; police found an address on the account application, along with her photo ID.

The address was for an apartment near the bank. The manager gave the woman’s new address to police, who arrested her without incident.

“We’re probably not dealing with the smartest person in the world,” Dwyer told The Detroit Newsfor a story published online Thursday.

My solution:  Should I say anything?  Moron! I assume she was nervous about the robbery, but come on.  Leaving your ID and address for the police to find.  She deserves to rot in jail for being stupid. If she were just a little bit smarter, she would have created a fake ID and address.  Or…how about writing down fake information?  This s my stupid news for the day.  She gets a merit for being a complete idiot!

The Solutionist

Ex-stripper, caught for killing ex-lover

Mechele Linehan, 35, a former stripper-turned-soccer mom was sentenced to 99 years in prison on Wednesday for plotting the 1996 killing of her former fiance.  She was convicted in October of first-degree murder in the 1996 shooting death of Kent Leppink. Leppink’s body was found on a remote trail.

Now, get this…

Prosecutors said Linehan had Leppink killed for insurance money and was inspired by a 1994 movie, “The Last Seduction,” in which a woman coaxes her lover into killing her husband for money.

My solution:  I think she is a moron.  First and foremost, if you are going to kill someone, then you should not trust anyone to help you!  This all goes back to the trust factor – and that is, you cannot trust anyone!  I am kidding!  The woman should rot in jail for being a complete moron.  She was not married, she could have just left.  But….no, she became money hungry.  If she wold have been really smart, she would have talked him into sharing a bank account with him.  Then, she could have robbed him blind.  Yea, yea, I know.  She gets more money for the death, but she cannot spend it because she is in jail for the rest of her life.  She gets an idiot award!

The Solutionist

Heath Ledger may have a child

Supposedly at age 17, Heath Ledger had an affair with an older woman.  When the affair ended, the woman was pregnant and had a child.  The woman is asking for privacy for the sake of her child.  Her stepfather is asking for a DNA test to ease press attention.

My solution:  Let the man rest in peace.  Seems to me like, after someone’s death, things always pop up.  If the mother has no interest in pursuing the accusation, then everyone needs to leave it alone.  There have been so many stories on Ledger since his death.  It is amazing how famous people become after their death.  Not that he was not famous, but I think he is more famous now than he has ever been.

The Solutionist

Mary Kate and Ashley, fighting.

Sad, but true.  The two sister’s are fighting over their fortune.

Resourcer’s say that the two were fighting over cutting their parents out of their business, Dualstar Entertainment.  “Mary-Kate had some real issues with the family after they put her in rehab. But now she feels like that may have colored her decision to cut them out of Dualstar. Mary-Kate now regrets her decision — on the other hand, Ashley thinks it was the right move. That’s what Mary-Kate and Ashley mainly fight about.” 

Oh yea, their fighting about selling their condo in New York also.

My solution:  First, I wish I had their money.  Second, if I did, I for sure would not argue with my sister over it.  Proven fact: Money is the root of all evil.  Take it as it is – look at what it is doing to these two sister’s who was once closer than most sibling’s.  I am not saying that I would not like to have the opportunity to find out for myself, because I would.  Who would not want that kind of money.  I am saying that I would not let it ruin any relationship that I had between my family.  The two of them need to say, “this much is yours, and this much is mine.”  Split it.  They both earned it.  Furthermore, they need their own separate condos.  Everyone needs their own space.  There, one problem solved.  You cannot live with someone without arguing with them.

The Solutionist 

Madonna wants to save Britney.

Isn’t that so sweet from a woman who practically robbed the cradle?  How could we forget that these two women practically had a “thing” between them on national television.

Madonna said, “They need to step off,” she told the “Yo on E!” satellite radio show. “For real … Let’s go save her.”

Awww, Madonna is sticking up for her girlfriend?  Way to stand beside the woman you love, Madonna.

My solution:  I am sure that Britney is embarrassed of her public humiliation, but come on, anyone that shows her private parts to the world wants to be seen.  If Britney wants everyone to leave her alone, then she needs to stay out of the spotlight and lay low!

The Solutionist

Pastor missing, found at strip club!

Imagine his surpise!

46-year-old Craig Rhodenizer, a pastor who was reported missing from New York, was found at an Ohio strip club.  Hmmmm……..  He disappeared Wednesday after telling his wife he was getting his computer fixed at Best Buy. He is the pastor of a church in Lyndonville, N.Y.  He says that he feels emotionally guilty.

My solution:  Now, now Mr. Pastor.  I am sure you that you have to admit feeling guilty, but let’s all face it.  I am sure that you feel guilty because you got caught.  One – if you are a pastor, priest, or anyone of a religious figure, then you shall not be caught committing this kind of sin.  Two – Perhaps, you should learn how to use the internet and hope that your wife does not know how to look up history.  Shame on you!

The Solutionist